This week’s editionVol. XIII$3.99 · $4.49 in Loch Ness
CryptidsR UsAdventure travel hosted by the things you’ve seen in the woods
“I’m tired of blurry photos,” says abominable entrepreneur, who will now take you to the cryptids herself
Jimothy (screaming, as is tradition)Dale, allegedlyYeti White, founderEmotional support yarnSighting guarantee
If you don’t see a cryptid, a cryptid will see you. Every trip. In writing.
Yeti White shows you her hometown, her childhood cave, and the exact spot where the famous 1951 footprint was photographed. (“I was running late. Nobody ever mentions that.”) Her mother has made soup. You will eat the soup. (Khumbu Valley, Nepal)
Inverness, Scotland — Paddleboards provided. Nessie has asked us to tell guests she is shy, and to stop calling her a plesiosaur.
Olympic Peninsula, WA — Dale will be behind a tree for the entire hike. That is the experience. Dale has rehearsed.
Point Pleasant, WV — An evening on a porch with one (1) lamp. Snacks, folding chairs, and polite conversation with a moth the size of a man.
Moca, Puerto Rico — Three nights on a working ranch with farm-to-table dinners. Our host would like it on the record that the goats are fine.
Pine Barrens, NJ — A gentle day hike through the Pine Barrens. Turnpike tolls not included. The Devil does not do tolls.
All prices in U.S. dollars, plus one (1) shiny object for Jimothy, payable on arrival.
Yeti WhiteHost & Founder
For seventy years, people hid in bushes to get a photo of Yeti White. She found this rude, and also a missed business opportunity. Cryptids R Us is her answer: you stop lurking, she plans the itinerary.
You’ve been looking for us for decades. We’ve been right here. Book a room.
JimothyChief Screaming Officer
Jimothy rides on Yeti White’s head and screams at sunsets, rivers, gift shops, and the concept of Tuesday. He handles all customer complaints by screaming at them first, which tends to settle things.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Dale SquatchfordVP of Logistics & Looming
Dale has looked over every itinerary we sell. Literally over it, from behind a monitor, a tree, or a slightly smaller tree. He has never once been photographed in focus. That was a choice.
I wasn’t hiding. I was standing in an area with a lot of tree.
I went on the Loch Ness trip expecting nothing. I got nothing. Five stars. The scones were incredible and something brushed my paddleboard twice.
Jimothy screamed at me for six straight hours. I have never felt so seen.
Dale was behind me for the whole hike. Every photo I took has Dale in it and none of them are in focus. He signed them all anyway. Lovely handwriting.
Yeti White remembered my name, my birthday, and the winter I strapped a trail camera to her favorite tree. No hard feelings, she says. Her mother’s soup is excellent.
Letters are made up, like everything else in this issue.